Many couples enter therapy with high hopes, only to find themselves stuck in the same patterns months later. What if the problem isn’t your relationship—but your therapist’s approach?
One experienced psychotherapist reveals why traditional neutral mediation often fails and shares the controversial method that actually works.
Confession From a Couples Therapist
I love my work. Most days, I’ll talk to anyone willing to listen about the privilege I feel as a psychotherapist supporting people’s relationships.
But sometimes I lie about what I do.
Hear me out.
A Moment of Truth
It was a couple of years ago, and I’d just finished a session.
The couple were ‘fight, fight, fight’ before ‘fight, fight, fight’ was a thing.
I’d gained control by saying:
“This stops. Right now. Or I’m firing myself.”
Afterwards, I hopped on a bus in Singapore with no destination in mind, hoping only to stare out the window at the vibrantly colored shophouses and regain my center.
I sat next to an elderly man. He started making small talk, asking if I’d “had my rice yet” (a common way in Asia of asking how someone is). I told him I’d just finished work, and he asked what I did.
“I’m a flower arranger.”
A what?
I appreciate flowers, but I can’t arrange them to save my life.
Eventually, I took off the mask and told the truth.
The faucet opened. It always does.
He told me about his 50-year marriage. The high highs. The many Dark Nights of the Soul. The twists and turns. The blessings.
Then he shared his secret to half a century of marital success: “Don’t see a couple’s counselor!”
I burst out laughing, as did he. That moment still brings a smile to my face.
Because, depending on your counselor, it may be good advice.
The Problem with Staying Neutral
One reason therapy might fail is when counselors refuse to take sides.
The method I practice – Relational Life Therapy (RLT) – encourages the therapist to take sides. That perplexes most people. Is that fair, they ask?
Well, anyone who has mediated between two colleagues in an office likely understands. Rarely are problems 50/50, however diplomatically that might need to be said.
Therapists do a disservice when they pass the proverbial ball back and forth, hoping that leads to resolution.
When Taking Sides Works
I was recently reminded of this by an article in ‘The New York Times’, titled “How I Learned that the Problem in My Marriage Was Me.” It was written by one half of a couple I observed for eight hours while training under RLT’s pioneer Terry Real.
Without spoiling the story, Real confronts the writer, masterfully highlighting the need for him to recognize, take responsibility for, and change his behavior.
The result speaks for itself.
Art and Science of Taking Sides
But here’s the thing – taking sides is not easy. It requires skill and sophistication. I don’t take sides because I like a woman’s dress or think a man is a nice guy.
I gather data. A lot of data. I consider their goals, their appetite for change, their unique language, and obstacles likely to arise.
I let them know I will be taking sides. This is important because deep down we all take sides, openly or not. Clients can feel this anyway. There’s power in acknowledging what people already know.
Pretense only undermines trust, and that’s fatal for therapy. Just ask my friend on the bus.
Conclusion
The next time you’re sitting in a therapist’s office watching them nod neutrally while your relationship burns, remember the wisdom of that elderly gentleman on the Singapore bus.
Sometimes the most helpful thing a professional can do is stop pretending to be neutral and start being real.
Because in love, as in life, someone usually needs to be held accountable—and that someone might just be you.